~avalon

I'm beginning to think that being an unacceptably cynical thinker (I'm "only" 22 they like to tell me), in conjunction with being an extremely boring person, is interfering with my art. It's why I stopped drawing; everything was just wrong. I always think "that's not what it fucking looks like" and I start over. It's why I only really draw things when I have reference pictures. My friend suggests "if you want to draw anything, first you have to know what it looks like." I have three (don't know why so many) empty sketch books with half of the pages missing in all of them, and 2 jars of almost unused pencils that I bought 5 years ago.

Sometimes I feel bad that I'm not able to portray my thoughts in the exact way that I'd like to. I feel a strong need to draw with certain degree of realism in order to take them seriously. I once wrote a short, lewd series of online comic strips because I felt that that was all I was good for. (The only "views" I got were from ME when I forgot to log in...) I really wasn't getting better with practice; I've been drawing since I was 4, and my shit hasn't been improving past age 11.

So I bought a digital camera. But I still can't help but feel that it's not good enough. People have told me "nice composition" and such. What the fuck is composition? I've never taken a photo class in my life, I don't know good from bad. All I really do is shoot macro shots at funny angles and it obviously floats peoples boats.